C'est La Vie

Did I get the title right? I don't take French. Anyway, this is sent from my iPod, I couldn't get to sleep and wrote a note that was like some weird stream-of-consciousness thing. Might as well go for honesty, right? I haven't posted in a while. For those who care. Anyway:

Fuck. FUCK. Fuuuuuuck. I can't be liking him again, can I? Like it hasn't caused enough problems. When he started going out with [Name censored! Ahhh, censorship!!!], it took me a while to get over him, and I WANTED to be over him, but eventually I did. When I learned he was single again, I tried to be excited, but wasn't super happy like I expected. But now, again, I can't seem to stop thinking about him. I don't want to like someone who most definitely does not like me back, but somehow I can't NOT...? The heart wants what the heart wants. (Haha. I think I saw that on a shirt or something. Weird incoherent ramblings.) I want a fresh start with Taylor, but maybe a REAL fresh start would be just forgetting about him. Ugh. It's even worse cause I won't even see him till September. And then when I do it will probably be a letdown, again. I can't stop liking him, or anybody, on demand. It's like I need to like someone in order to just...occupy my time? Have a common goal? I don't know, but not liking someone just kind of sucks more. At least for me. I've always been like this, and I don't want to be. But that's my screwed up mind for you. 

So here I am writing this, 12:30 am, cause I can't get to sleep. And then I'll wake up ridiculously late tomorrow, at 12:30 pm like I did today. Vicious cycle. It's not like I'd be doing anything anyway. This summer has really sucked so far. First it was the crappy weather for a month straight, and now people are just - gone? Busy? Avoiding me? (paranoia much?) But for whatever reason, no one can hang out. Screw them. I just want to loiter around town and swim at my friend's pool like last summer. I don't know. I'm worried about school the upcoming year. Eek. Not that I have something in particular to be worried about. Just in general, I guess. I'm not worried about any classes except English. It sounds 100x harder than this year, which was already pretty bad. I'm concerned about just getting totally lost. I could switch out of advanced, but I just can't. My parents would hate it, so much. I would hate it. I just prefer being challenged to being super bored, like I am in my non-honors class. Plus, some of the people in non-advanced just don't care. I'm used to being with people who care, a lot. But then the other side of the spectrum is not that great. In advanced classes, the people are just kind of judgmental and super competitive. Not fun. I guess I just want to be in honors because it would be like I wasn't pushing myself enough otherwise. Because, to be totally honest, I didn't try this year at all. I didn't do anything after school either, no activities of whatever. Gotta get on that. For college, ya know. Not that I have any clue about college, or my future at all, for that matter. Yikes. Okay, that's not even what my main worry is. It's just, I expected a lot from high school, and this past year has been pretty...mediocre, to say the least. I just want the upcoming year to be much better. I'm also worried about the average crap, like not having friends in my classes and whatnot. Which I guess I'd the thinking of most people. But I've been worrying about sophomore year since about the middle of freshman year, which can't be normal. 

Um, let's focus on the good now, yeah? I got by report card back yesterday. I can't complain. Nothing lower than mid 80s, and I actually didn't fail my English final. It was a nightmare. Does anyone know if it was a thing for all of New York state? Cause if it was, OMFG WASN'T IT HORRIBLE, fellow New Yorkers?! Also, I started a kind of fashion collaboration channel with my sister. Um, her idea, okay? I did it mainly to humor her, but it's pretty fun I guess. It's youtube.com/aweekofstyle. Apparently she totally copied another channel's idea though, haha. So, it's 1 am, and I'm actually tired, what do ya know? Time for sleep. (Which, by the way, is always filled with dreams about school. WTF? Ugh.) 

I got a new youtube channel, youtube.com/sondrablog. So, check that out too, I guess. It's mainly fashion-ish, but mainly I wanted a youtube AWAY from people I know *cough*Kyle!*cough* I'm on a video spree today, haha. I just went around town with Eva (my sister), and  blew wayyy too much money on makeup at CVS. Agh, I'm like addicted to makeup. I could spend $100 bucks there, easy, and that doesn't even begin to cover the money I could waste at Sephora or Mac. I had about $50 worth of stuff, but had to put it back. Then we walked all the way to the 2 Alices, this awesome coffee place in my town. I love it. The people who work there are really nice, there's a lot of cool art up, and wi-fi, of course. The coffee's good, but I wasted 5 bucks on a ridiculously expensive (but delicious) iced latte. Then I got like 4 CDs from the library and got two books - It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini, even though I already read it, and Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. I heard it was good. I still have to read The Scarlet Letter though. Actually it's not that bad so far. I think I'm going to make another video now, hahaha. ;)